When I was a child, my family was poor. I often stared at my mother’s eyes in a daze, thinking that all the secrets were hidden in her eyes. She was busy for this family every day, without stopping, as if for something, and as if to escape from something. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but I just feel that this family has never been peaceful. I often stand at the door secretly, watching my mother bend down to smooth her clothes, or do housework silently, trying to find something from her back. I know she used to be a beautiful woman, at least I remember the red skirt she wore when she was young, the hem of the skirt swaying, like those elegant scenes in the movie. However, as time went by, my mother’s eyes gradually became empty, and wrinkles gradually climbed up her face. My father left her very early, leaving her to support this family alone with me and my brother, facing countless heavy things in life.
I remember that when I was a child, I always heard her nagging: “We are poor and have nothing.” She repeated this sentence every day until I began to believe that this was not just her emotion, but her destiny. I looked at her tired figure and felt a little bit reluctant. She never chose her own life. Everything she had seemed to be sacrificed for us. I once couldn’t help asking her, “Mom, why don’t you laugh?” She was silent for a long time, and finally said, “Laughing is useless.” At that moment, I felt for the first time that her pain and struggle were like a silent river, flowing silently through every day, and would never stop.
I never knew whether she had her own dream. Probably not, at least she never mentioned it. She was such a person, living quietly in her own world, exhausting her youth little by little for survival and for us. I gradually grew up and began to understand these things. I also began to feel that life is just like this, and even began to feel that everyone must be responsible for their own choices, even though sometimes the responsibility is too heavy and even makes you breathless.
Until one day, my mother fell ill. Her illness came suddenly, and I didn’t expect it at all. Everything became unprepared. She was in a coma for a time, and the doctor said that her condition was very serious. If she was not treated in time, she might leave us. We rushed her to the hospital. The ward was filled with dazzling white light. I watched her lying quietly on the bed, my heart filled with unspeakable pain and anxiety. Her face was pale, her eyelids drooped, as if all her vitality had been taken away. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t control my emotions, only tears came out unconsciously.
In front of my mother’s bed, I began to reflect on all this. I suddenly realized that the things I had been pursuing had nothing to do with the pain of this life. I watched my mother lying there quietly, imagining the years she had spent for this family, and felt that I was a little ashamed of her, and that I had always known too little about her. Her life seemed to become extremely fragile in an instant, while my life was still so peaceful, even a little numb. I suddenly felt, what on earth am I living for? Can I really live happier than her? If this continues, all the efforts and sacrifices will be in vain in the end, leaving me, or anyone else, with only an irreparable regret.
My mother finally left us. She didn’t say a word on the hospital bed, nor did she say goodbye to us. She was like a gust of wind, leaving silently. I stood in front of her grave, looking at the simple tombstone, and felt an unspeakable emptiness in my heart. My mother’s life ended just like that, without intense sadness or grand farewell. Her life, like an endless river, quietly disappeared in the long years. She didn’t get the happiness she wanted, and she didn’t even leave a smile.
At that moment, I completely understood that life is not always as we wish. Many times, we are just carried forward by life and don’t know how to stop. We chase the so-called success and happiness, but in the end we find that the things that are really important are often ignored by us. After my mother’s death, I became calmer and more lonely. Every day, I seem to be fighting with myself in this world. Facing the opportunities I have missed and the family affection I have ignored, I began to become more silent. There is no hope in my heart, only endless confusion and loss.
I also began to become numb, no longer so eager for the recognition of the outside world, no longer so obsessed with my so-called dreams. I began to see clearly that life is ultimately a lonely journey. No matter how hard you try, there are always some things that can never be touched. Just like the old man wandering on the roadside, although he does not speak, he silently bears the indifference and ruthlessness of the world. Life always gives you a silent reminder after disappointing you again and again, so that you can learn to be silent and learn to give up.
Now, I have learned to let go and learn not to be entangled in those unattainable things. Perhaps this is the biggest lesson that life has taught me: life will not change because of your expectations. It will always bring you some pain and helplessness at the most inadvertent moment, and all you can do is to accept it and live on.
My mother is gone, but I still live in this world, with her unspoken regrets and the love she once gave. I no longer pursue anything, I just hope to find a piece of tranquility that belongs to me in these long years.